"Small Fish" Episode 5: "Nevermind The Issue At Hand"

When you put a group of small fish in a giant pool of uncertainty, it only causes a deep frenzy to run wild through their system. Anxiety, ambivalence and the direr need for a companion becomes more apparent as time goes on. I sit outside a local coffeehouse known as The Bean Bag. I soak in the diverse scene of lovers with arms wrapped around each others firm bodies and the hermits with their fragile loneliness engulfing their ambiance. People, in great multitudes, search everywhere to find that one they are meant to be with forever. Sometimes, it does not always work out that way. Sometimes they find you way before you find them. Love can strike you at odd moments in life. For instance, me sitting alone in a fixed position at the cafe can bring in many opportunities for me. Someone can easily join me in simple conversation about pointless pop culture facts, the random heatwave we are experiencing in mid October, my astrological sign, and so forth. Loneliness, in this example, is no longer an issue. What can become an issue is if Mr. or Mrs. Right is right in front of you...but you are seen with someone else. Even if the connection is simply platonic, persistence always pays off in the end...regardless of the consequences or "socially accepted" standards. If love has a chance to blossom, that chance should never (under no circumstance) be destroyed by fear or wasted wishing "I should have". Life is only lived once, and if once is not good enough when you finally reach the end of your line here on Earth, then you did not live fully. Period. Playing with a double edged sword is never easy. You either live in regret or take on a challenge when it hits you...head on! Dealing with love (true undivided love), there is no grey area that lies between success and remorse.

Gil did everything he could during their relationship to make it work. He would be the friend to keep all her dirty secrets locked away safely in his heart, the lover that would selflessly give copious amounts of affection to without ever prying for anything in return, and the boyfriend that tried to make matters pleasant when the going got rough. After weeks passed her by, Laurie finally came to terms with her love lost. A whirlpool of a toxic relationship finally ended with the truth surfacing. The anger and hatred she harbored for both Gil and Tonica, disintegrated amongst logic. She knew Gil was no good for her, at the same time she knew this distruction had to happen for her to slip into her new skin. A skin that fit her perfectly. I sat her down and rationalized how love is an action that should never be restricted, even if Gil's love was not with her. He found a woman who was just right for him. It did not make the way Gil handled the situation appropriate by no means; however, in the end he followed his one true passion, Tonica.  Tears fell down her rouged cheeks and a nod was exchanged. Under her auburn locks, Laurie comprehended all I expressed. Love is a tender flame, but sometimes you just have to never mind the issue at hand and find that person who is just right for you regardless of their immediate status. You are a small fish in a giant pool. The waters are frightening if you are alone.

Marigold

Repeating a twisted mantra to keep you sane?

A sickened shot of melancholia heading straight to my brain

only eases you to play a vile game

that inflicts a fatale pain to the heart,

to the core of the moment.

This moment of now.

This moment of uncertainty.

Now would be the moment for you to kiss me.

To hold me, to never let me go.

No. No.

This bond between me and you cannot be so,

only because I do not think you will ever know.

Know the sorrow, the woe I went through

just to be with you.

To be by your side

is to suffer the brutality of being alive.

Being purely human, as a human could ever be,
etching my sharpened nails across my flesh
to mourn the loss of my dignity. 
A woman locked, shocked, and blocked from ever being set free.
To see myself undergo a nightmarish attraction,

weakens my knees due to an overbearing depression.

I pray to God to give me some sort of clarity,
a divine intervention,

to save me.

Lord I say, “Save me

from my own misconceptions.

Bare your heavenly grace

to keep my eyes from looking at that man's exquisite face.”

A strange mysticism surrounding his company

brings me to the only reality

I have ever grown accustomed to.

As loathed as it might be,

at least to some degree,

I genuinely do -

unconditionally -

love you?

Love you

like a sinful form of taboo.
Only you
manifest your soul
into the prose of voodoo,

casting darkness over all I am.

Such idiocy I have,

so I have been told,

for my tainted form of Marigold.

As Robert Frost once addressed,

nothing can forever stay gold.
Naive as I am, I continue to hold on
to the silver lining's last beam

as inside I eternally scream
with a howling demonized creed.
Sew your seed,
let it bleed,
as it penetrates my body
and flares to my face - 
with a vermilion hue.
Born a weakling -
my conviction can never hold true.
Sometimes I wonder,
“Why do I crawl
through my skin, all the way
back to you?”